Ayo whattup whattup yall…the mighty Hands of Zeus aka Galaxy Knuckles aka Thor Molecules aka Volcano Hands otherwise known as the one n only Cocaine Biceps is back witta nother meal for yall malnourished muthafuckas namsayin. Once again its that time of year where we recognize the softest niggas in the game nahmean. We gotta couple MVPs…mad veterans n even a rookie up in this shit…so yall peep the flyness.
10. J Cole …aka Nap King Cole aka Young Eeyore aka The Bokeem Woodbine of Rap aka the poor man’s Drake. Ayo Jermaine is bitter bout sumthin b…nobody really understands what tho. You would think that any mediocre ass rapper/mediocre ass producer would jus be happy to be the first muthafucka signed to the worlds most famous nigga’s label n shit. But naw…that aint good enough for Diet Drizzy b. Son still poses for pictures like somebody snapped all his crayolas in half… Son frowns like he jus rode his seatless bike to the 7-Eleven to buy a slurpee n they only had Sprite flavor left n shit. The many other facial expressions of Jermaine seem to include “My balloon animals done came untwisted” n “Why he get two turns on the trampoline n I only got one?”….you get the idea tho. Ayo this nigga’s mixtapes was never really the most exciting shit in the first place namsayin. I mean dont me wrong b…they was cool…but they wasnt nothin to have a parade over neither. But when he dropped that stillbirth of a first album…son…that shit could stop paint fom dryin. That shit could relax a broad’s hair b. Straight up. This nigga’s own shadow wont even get outta bed in the morning no more cuz of this depressing ass muthafucka. Son inspirin a whole generation of lame mediocre ass niggas to start pickin up mics n make boring ass watered down flavorless “lettuce rap” (Get it? LET US rap…) jus like the homie Jermaine. Plus he got the softest dudes walkin the earth throwin rocks at his lawn chair. Son got the poster child for hurt feelings hisself aka Canibus throwin shots at him b. Cole even got that prairie dog looking muthafucka Charles “Milk Carton” Hamilton to poke his head outta the ground n shit on the little homie’s career achievments a bit. But never mind them two dusty ass niggas…This boy got washed by DIGGY son. As in THIS nigga b…
9. Diggy – Son…what part of the game is this? This nigga still rock Pull-Ups at night b…how he gon start beef? Im sayin son was still eatin Gerber joints not too long ago….HOW he got beef? Son is the black Malcom In The Middle…HOW this nigga beefin wit Jermaine tho son? We need answers. And when I say that Cole took the L on that…ayo that was by default son. How you got niggas like Diggy demandin your fade? And why the fuck is Diggy tryin to eat this niggas food? Either way…this shit aint no beef son. This jus more of that lamb nahmean.
8. Charles Hamilton – Ayo speakin of struggles you probably wont ever come across a higher scorer on life’s pinball machine of failures than this delusional muthafucka rite here b. Son done hit every bumper n kicker on that bitch n kept that ball rollin for more than jussa hot minute namsayin. This nigga done slingshotted into every corner of turmoil n struggle there is n basically became more famous for lyin his ass off bout workin wit the ghost of J Dilla n bein a founding member of Slaughterhouse than for his damn music par. And lets dont forget this shit rite here b….
Thats rite…the broad bust you in your muthafuckin mouth n you tried to play that shit off like…”Imma jus keep rhymin tho”..Son even went after Young Eeyore…n not on no “I think Im nicer than you n Im comin for your spot” shit…but on some sensitive ass “How you forget bout me when I was the one who cared bout you most n use to tell ey’body how great you was” type shit. Ayo phone that nigga next time or hit up his facebook…dont nobody wanna hear that bitchmade shit b. Saddest part is the nigga got talent. But its hard to look past the racks n racks of Ls the bastard done took.
7. Mac Miller aka – Ever since Asher Roth fell the fuck off…the new king of Gentrification Hop jus been baskin in all his cushiony splendor on a mountain of duvets rhymin bout eatin macaroni salads n buildin pillow forts in his living room n whatever whatever… This muthafucka been workin wit plenty heavyweights n veterans lately…but that wont change sons pedigree one bit namsayin. Word is bond…back when young Malcom’s ancestors was still holdin muthafuckas like Gulliver captive n bakin cookies in trees…the forefathers of Rap was layin down the foundation for future emcees to rhyme bout they experiences n murder beats n what have you. Then New Jack Swing came along n fucked all that shit up nahmean…before you knew it mad niggas was rockin silk polka dot outfits n climbin all over each other when they danced n breakin all the man codes in existence namsayin. Accordin to the legends I heard… it was durin that “set adrift on memory bliss” era that a mad scientist took a My Buddy doll n marinated it in all the Johnson & Johnsons baby products the nigga could find n took it to a park while it was a light drizzle outside n tied it to a kite n let that shit hover over a rainbow for like 15 minutes n then buried it in his cabbage patch nahmean…. 9 months later the snow nigga Mac sprouted outta the ground. True story b…
6. Lil Bow Wow …aka The Emmanuel Lewis of Rap. The boy Shad always got that trash on deck namsayin. Words cant even express how much I dont give a fuck bout sons music b. But whats funny to me is I dont even gotta hear the niggas music to kno how disillusioned the nigga is bout his purpose in hip hop nahmean. Son actually thought he was jus gon make a nice smooth transition from doin that little schoolgirl rap to bein on some Nino Brown shit. Nah yo…this nigga is a snack b. The nigga is dim sum. He a fragment…he like a single perogy. Niggas would eat that boy alive son. He a bite sized morsel namsayin (pause). On some real shit…we aint take Busta Rhymes serious when son fabricated his cocaine kingpin history outta the blue. We NEVER believed Rozay was pushin any weight other than his own…n we wasnt buyin Drake’s Hebrew Gambino character from the Headlines video. So son….we DAMN sure aint takin Lil Bow Wow serious like that. The Young Money affiliation aint helpin shit neither my nigga.
5. Tyga – Swear this nigga got World Star videos pumpin thru his veins at all times b. This amphibian ass lookin muthafucka means the same thing to rap what ukuleles mean to basketball…not a damn thing. Only thing softer n more corny than a soft n corny ass nigga is a soft n corny ass nigga who dont recognize his own soft corniness n tries to portray hisself as a don or some shit. Meanwhile the nigga looks like a newborn rodent. I got jeans that weigh more than this muthafucka b. Get him the fuck outta here.
4. Yung Berg …aka the Tailor of Failure aka the Shepard of Ls aka Grandmaster Trash aka….the Yung Berg of Rap. Son is like the aborted fetus of success itself namsayin. The nigga’s music can make it rain Lugz boots from the sky b. Son’s existence is like a muthafuckin pinata of failures or some shit…the nigga jus keeps losin b. When he be playin Scrabble that nigga gotta figure out how to make a word outta seven Ls. Im sayin when he has a bowl of Alphabet soup that shit is all Ls too yo. The niggas aura is shaped like a teardrop b. Im sayin son is livin proof that nature can be cruel than a muthafucka g…
3. Wale aka Olubowale Victor Akintimehin Folarin – When son brought his slave wave to the game…nobody thought he would amount to shit b. NOBODY…. And they was right. There aint one muthafucka in the industry who crowns hisself for more accomplishments that he never actually accomplished than ya boy Olubowale be doin nahmean. To be honest tho…son aint even trash like that…he jus emotionally delicate n he got the personality of a 7 year old white kid from Bel Air namsayin. If you aint never seen the nigga throw a tantrum you either dont got access to the internets or you jus dont actually kno who the fuck son is at all son. But son is mad protective over his image b. Like.. more than normal niggas usually is namsayin. This the type of dude who updates his own wikipedia page b.
Sometimes Wale be usin the Nigerian famine waltz to try n boost his sales n shit
The Olubowale struggle is real my nigga.. Never mind that son be lookin like he was chewin on lit firecrackers. WHY this nigga always beefin wit video models n retaliatin back at muthafuckas on twitter who only got like 27 followers tho? Why this nigga gotta make a youtube video ey’time he gets his feelings hurt b? Cmon son…that emotionally fragile shit aint whats poppin at all bruh bruh.
2. Drake aka the Patron Saint of Tenderness aka the Human Glee Episode aka The Inventor of the Audio Scrunchie aka the Merchant of Cuddles otherwise known as The Wizard of Pause. When son aint travelin the world collectin magic wands n lookin for next level china patterns…you can usually find the boy doin lyrical origami on a track or out rescuin strippers from captivity nahmean. You kno you soft when you feel good bout droppin 10 Gs on a shower head that sprays lavender fragrances n shit. Word is bond…you kno you soft when chicks be showin how to do makeovers on youtube to look like you. You kno you soft when you inspire muthafuckin Zac Efron to get YOLO tatted on his creamy little hand b. You kno you soft when the furry mascots at ball games n shit be askin if they can get pictures wit YOU son. You kno you soft when you got a pink budgie, a baby owl n Aaliyah’s face all tatted 5 inches apart from each other on ya back. Son I can keep goin but you should get the point by now…
Looks like we got a new #1 b….
1. Wiz Khalifa-Rose aka the final frontier of simp-dom…. This bull dyke muthafucka done sailed his little popsicle stick canoe over ey’single wave of simpness there is in the sucker-for-love sea nahmean. This fool is the biggest trick walkin the face of the earth rite now son. We already kno how this muthafucka went into Kanye’s garbage can n scraped together a meal n thought he came up on some gourmet shit namsayin. This muthafucka went into Yeezy’s trash n said “OH SHIT WHY NOBODY ATE THE REST OF THIS MEATBALL HOAGIE SON??…AYO IMMA REASSEMBLE THIS MUTHAFUCKA N PUT THAT SHIT UP ON A PEDESTAL B. AYO IMMA PUT WHATEVER LEFT OF THIS MEATBALL HOAGIE BACK TOGETHER N IMMA SING TO IT…IMMA SING TO IT EVER ADORINGLY N IMMA TAKE PICTURES WIDDIT CUZ AINT NOBODY HAD NO MEATBALL HOAGIE LIKE THIS ONE B….I MIGHT GOT THE ONLY MEATBALL HOAGIE LEFT SON…AYO IMMA WIFE THIS HALF EATEN MEATBALL HOAGIE SON…THIS SHIT MINES. AYO IMMA PUT A RING ON THIS SHIT. CUZ THATS JUS WHAT US TRICK MUTHAFUCKAS DO B…IMMA HAVE THIS MEATBALL HOAGIE FOR ALL ETERNITIES CUZ THATS JUS HOW A TRICK ROLL B. THIS MY SHNOOKUMS NAMSAYIN…THIS MY MUTHAFUCKIN SHNOOKUMS SON. WORD. I DONT KNO WHAT YOU HEEEEAAARD ABOUT ME…BUT ANY TRICK CAN GET A DOLLAR OUTTA ME…I GOTTA ACT CONCERNED SO SHE’LL SEE.. THAT IM A MUTHAFUCKIN S-I-M-P….
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